16.06.08: Age Related Training, Is The Bombshell A Waxer,
Ganging Up, How To Waste Time Efficiently, and New Shoes
Streaming Song Of The Day:
Just Close Your Eyes by Waterproof Blonde
"And if you close your eyes your life may begin to reveal, that you
never live and scars never heal. In the darkness I will take you
to the other side. And find me waiting there, you'll see, if you
just close your eyes" - amazing if possibly misheard lyrics Free MP3 Of The Day:Now
That I'm Gone by Charles Bradley
Last night was a complete opposite of the night before. We had
very few customers, and when I got in I was told that I needed to
retake my Age Related Training. Yay. What a waste of
time. Basically it's to make sure that we still all know how old
you have to be to sell things to people of a certain age so that the
store doesn't lose it's licences. Ok, so, they make it sound like
they are protecting us ("We don't want you to get a fine or end up in
court") but we all know that when it comes to business, the welfare of
the workers is not the primary objective. And we all know how
popular alcohol is (it's our second biggest seller next to petrol) so
losing our licence would be a pretty big deal. Financially for
the store anyway. However, for the last couple of tests, I have
my own way of dealing with it. I gain an unfair advantage.
To call it cheating would be technically incorrect. I take a till
slip into the room, and I make notes as the video plays. Then
when we're tested, I have the notes, and just refer to them as I need
to. Now, there is nothing in the rules which says I can't do
this, therefore it's not cheating. And I only needed it for one
question.
Being the genius that Queen Chav is, she left all the other results
papers beside the computer the test is run on. So, I got to flick
through them as the guy was droning on about Lottery Sales and noticed
two people who failed. The test is actually pretty tough,
anything less than 100% is a fail. Rickaaaay failed because he
didn't know you had to be 16 to buy party poppers, and The Hero failed
because he didn't know how old you had to be to buy a lighter.
Funny considering The Hero is in charge of the tobacco
department. Even the Newbie failed because he didn't know how old
you had to be to buy a knife. And Newbies are given cards to
remind them of ages. I'm sure being a Newbie he would have been
allowed to take it into the test!
Most people who work have a laugh with their workmates, but I am sure
that night shift humour is way different to any other humour.
Tonight was a prime example. I told Slaphead that I thought that
The Blonde Bombshell looked like a man who waxed, who in turn asked me
to ask him whether he was a waxer. Don't ask how this
conversation started, you really don't want to know. The reaction
was priceless after I explained what a waxer was. He stormed over
to Slaphead and yelled "Oh! You are so funny old man, maybe
someone is wax your head, yeah? You want the fight with
me?" Anyway, so begins an hour of waxing jokes. And then
later, after sniggering from Slaphead and commenting "You dirty little
waxer", The Blonde Bombshell storms over to the door and yells into the
warehouse "Ok, is fine, maybe you want some die?" To which
Slaphead replies "No, I'm done with dye. Used enough when I was a
punk." I still insist this is why Slaphead is going bald, because
is hair is rapidly receding, but, down the centre his hair seems
fine. I think it's too many mohican haircuts, and his hair has
decided that a mohican is the default state.
However, not everything was fun and games last night. I've
noticed a curious thing when working with Slaphead and anyone else on
the same shift. Slaphead will be in a really good mood, but also
push me out of the social circle and be far more friendly, jokey and
generally interested in the other person than me. Now, at first I
put this down to the theory of mine that he and Miss C are attracted to
each other. But it happens when he works with The Blonde
Bombshell too. And in the end the pair of them ganged up on me,
making me feel really out of the team. First, they chatted and
laughed when they were alone during the delivery, but when I came
around everything became serious and they didn't want me joining in
with the jokes when I tried to. But then something really dragged
me down. Slaphead asked when I was going to have my break, and I
said later, so he told me to take it then to make sure I got it.
I told him I didn't want it yet, and they could take theirs
first. He repeated that he wanted me to take it there and then,
so I told him I knew where I wasn't wanted, at which point The Blonde
Bombshell yelled in my face "Take your f**king break". I sloped
off to eat many Oreos and smoked 3 cigarettes. In 15
minutes. Well, I needed something to give me a little
comfort. I certainly wasn't getting any warmth or friendliness
from either of those two.
However, I did get to spend half an hour in the sunshine with both of
them, smoking and drawing pictures of stickmen doing disgusting things
on Slaphead's car. Why? Because we finished everything with
an hour to go before the end of the shift. Well...almost
everything. Mr DJ lied and told us everything in the chiller had
been worked, which it hadn't, so The Blonde Bombshell told me to get
the missing produce from the chiller and work it. So in the end
we did that, then began drawing on Slaphead's car. As I said,
efficient use of wasting time.
Lastly, I got my new boots today! And they are Version 2
boots. The old boots were basic, to say the least, but these
actually look really comfortable. There is padding pretty much
everywhere, and the only modification I am going to make to make is the
usual inner soles. Now, I have Size 13 feet. Pretty
big. So big that I have to buy my shoes from specialist outlets,
and normally have to scroll down a bit on the Nike site when buying
trainers (not a brand junkie, Nikes are just indestructable). So,
The Blonde Bombshell and Princess Chav are in the office as Princess
Chav gets my boots. She opens them for me, and The Blonde
Bombshell laughs and says "You no have new boots, they send wrong
size. They send you massive boots!" To which I turn and say
"Yeah, same size as the ones on my feet" then take one out and
demonstrate a size comparison. He takes a deep intake of breath
and goes "f**, you have the massive feet!" I grin and say "Yes,
and you know what they say about men with big feet? Big
socks." He says "Yeah, I think you want to say something
else." I look at The Chav Princess, then back at him and say
"Yeah, but she'd slap me if I did." The Chav Princess then looked
at me sternly and said "Yeah, no bragging in here about sizes of body
parts other than feet, alright? Got it? Great, now p*ss off
both of you!" Permalink |